Do You Really Want to Move to Italy?

Thinking of Leaving the United States? Think Again...?

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Last year, my pal Kirsten wrote an article about what was wrong with the United States and why she was moving to Italy.

She wrote it, and then she did it. She has a visa. There are pictures.

She is not the only one. Lots of people move to Italy.

Like Frances Mayes, author of a book about Italy that sold a copy or two. If you are someone who has said, “I want to move to Italy!” then let me be the very first to tell you: THIS IS A BOOK YOU SHOULD READ.

The book I am talking about is one of the 2,500 books in my home. In fact, there are many books about people moving to Italy in my home. This is because there are many books about people who did this thing. Tim Parks. Michael Tucker. Anthony Doer. (There are almost no books about Argentina, where I have been for 15 years.)

That’s because Italy is great. I know, a little bit. I studied Italian in college and lived in Florence for six months as a peppy co-ed. Truth: I was depressed. There was a boy.

But I was in Italy!

In the last couple months, there are a lot more people saying, “I want to move to Italy.”

Another friend, who is also an American expat like me, likes to talk to these people.

“Ask me questions about being an expat!” she says, under her social media posts of Tuesday afternoon kayaking expeditions in an adopted homeland featuring better work-life balance.

In contrast, I do not invite such conversations.

Because here’s the thing: I don’t think you really want to move to Italy.

Don’t get me wrong, I think you think you want to move there. But I don’t think you have thought it all the way through.

The people you’ll miss, the paperwork you’ll never become an expert in, the time you will save by not flattening your Amazon Prime boxes.

In this post, I’m going to address some of these pressing issues.

If you have said, “I want to move to Italy!”, then let this be your guide as to whether you really, truly, actually, want to move to Italy.

first off, have you thought about the people?

When you say, “I want to move to Italy!”, have you thought about the people?

(Not the people there, in the piazzas, with their enormous sunglasses and tiny little espresso cups, but the people back at home????)

I saw a video on Instagram the other day of a woman who moved next door to her parents after living away for some period of years. The mother was in hysterics. Very emotional, this mother. Her daughter was returning home! It was a big deal. How far away had the daughter been living? Two hours. BY CAR. Two hours, reader.

Unfortunately, when you are in Italy, you will not be standing next to your mother, making her cry happy tears.

Instead, she will be on Facetime, and she will be pissed, and it will be pixelated.

Now, let’s say you don’t like your mother. Let’s say getting away from your mother is a good thing. Do you have friends? What about your friends? Or your other, less annoying family members?

Let me be the first to tell you: WHEN YOU ARE ITALY, YOU WILL BE FURTHER AWAY GEOGRAPHICALLY FROM THESE PEOPLE.

have you thought about the paperwork?

No, I’m not talking about the visa, which is going to be a headache, but you have probably already considered, thanks to your 47 open tabs. I’m talking about the paperwork that will be a new feature in your day-to-day life in beautiful Italy.

When my children were smaller, and one of them was asked what his father did, he once answered, “paperwork.” Argentina loves paperwork. So does Italy. (Fun fact: a whopping 62% of Argentines have some degree of Italian ancestry. Same same!)

In Italy, you will need a slip for this. Another for that. You will need a stack of A4s, notarized, to make anything happen. Do you even know what an A4 is? You do not. You do not.

Let me be the person to tell you: IF YOU WERE RAISED IN THE USA YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT PAPERWORK. Or lines. You know nothing about standing in multiple lines, next to each other, to pass back and forth pieces of paperwork.

In Italy, you will learn about paperwork!

have you thought about Amazon Prime?

Now, this is a big one.

As an expat for 15 years, I cannot underestimate the importance of Amazon Prime to one’s health and happiness. In Italy, will you have Amazon Prime? What about Whole Foods? What about Cholula Sauce, or Kraft Macaroni, or very cheap, very sharp grated cheddar cheese? In the absence of Amazon Prime in your new, expat life, you will need something else. It is called a closet. A closet in a home STILL BACK IN THE USA.

Here is mine. It is at my parents’ house and it is overflowing and this is what it looks like when I visit, which is often.

Update: It turns out, in Italy, you will have Amazon Prime.

have you thought about the fantasy of escaping US politics and the geopolitical shitstorm we find ourselves mired in?

HA! You will escape nothing. See: internet.

have you thought about your 3,500 square foot house in the suburbs?

As you have perhaps read on the internet, housing size in Europe is smaller than in the USA. In fact, the average size of a house in the USA in 2025 is 6,798 feet, whereas in Europe it is more like 109 feet. Wow! Who knew!

NOW YOU DO.

have you thought about your nice, big, cheap car?

Unfortunately, in Italy, you will not have it. In Italy, they are legally obligated to burn all large cars on a floating island in the Venice canal.

Sorry!

have you thought about the size of your shopping cart?

Again, smaller! With worse wheels!

have you thought about your taxes?

This time, bigger! But don’t worry, you will also pay a lot more to the people who can handle your weird expat taxes.

have you thought about your life insurance?

It will be weirder, and harder to get, and much more expensive.

have you thought about childcare?

This is where I am finally happy to deliver some good news. That will be cheaper. Yay! And not only will it be cheaper, but it will form your children into superior humans.

(For more on raising kids overseas, see my post, Parenting in the United States is Broken.)

have you thought about affordable cheddar cheese?

SAY YOUR SAD GOODBYES NOW.

I generally solve this strategy with “The Closet”, but, depending on flight delays, you can end up with a congealed mass of stinking cheddar inside a black Away bag on the tarmac that you will have the privilege of unearthing.

have you thought about marshmallows?

In news to you, you will find that everywhere else in the world makes them horribly. Strategy? The Closet, followed by prayers re: congealed tarmac mass.

have you thought about air conditioning?

If you do have it, it won’t be central, but will be unit-based, and crappier! Enjoy!

have you thought about a clothes dryer?

Cue: riotous laughter.

have you thought about your vacations?

Congrats! They will finally be life-sized! Sucks if you work remote for a US company, though. Just don’t turn on your video from the beach!